Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
