moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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