It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
