Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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