Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
