Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
