you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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