I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
