Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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