you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
