my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
