I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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