I should be sponsored by Trojan
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
