i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
