My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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