Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
