I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
