1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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