The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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