My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
