idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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