I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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