I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
