Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
