dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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