I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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