Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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