I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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