So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
