i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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