I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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