I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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