My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Randomize
