I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
