so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
