i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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