My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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