loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
