Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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