I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
