I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
