i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
