This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
