Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I met the friendliest cop last night
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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