Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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