im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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