we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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