Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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