His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
