there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
