I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
