I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found puke in my bra..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I believe in your delicious
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
