Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
