Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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