I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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